Learning to Live a New Life With Chronic Pain

"Why me?" I have asked this question thousands of time. I live with fibromyalgia, hidradenitis suppurativa (HS) and chronic migraines. I also just found out recently I have cervical and lumbar spondylosis thanks to a visit to a rheumatologist. Why am i constantly feeling like I just can't go on? This is a natural feeling when you feel like you can't reach the potential you picture in your head and that nagging pain consumes your day.

I always strive to educate myself about the latest remedies and best ways to fight depression which goes hand in hand with chronic illness. I had never found anything that really worked for me. The vicious cycle of pain, isolation and no income does a number on one's psychological being. For instance, I hurt and go to the doctor. He prescribes medication to help. This medication has a side effect of weight gain. And gain I did! I gained about 40 pounds. Being overweight has added to another condition, HS. Now I can't exercise to drop the weight. Sweat brings a huge flare up. Now I am worried and the stress has caused the migraines to come full force, and so the cycle continues. You get the picture.

December 14, 2012. A day I will never forget. A gunman entered Sandy Hook Elementary School and opened fire. I was distraught and tried to figure a way to help. I took to twitter and found #22actsofkindness. This I could do. I dusted off my crochet hook and went to the store for yarn. I learned how to crochet hats. I was obsessed. I crocheted over 120 hats and donated them to Oklahoma Children's Hospital. While fulfilling my challenge, I realized my mind would sort of "zen" out and the pain was only there when I focused on it. So, I didn't stop there. I crocheted until I gave myself carpal tunnel. I started doing some other things I could focus on that wouldn't make my wrists feel like they would detach my hands. I learned to meditate, wrote poems, read books, and drew pictures while binge watching Netflix.

Halloween was coming up, my favorite holiday, and I decided to make a zombie doll for decoration in my yard. I loved how she turned out. Eventually, one zombie lead to another and I had an Etsy page. I did other projects in between. Painting, writing and and illustrating a children's book with my husband, making homeopathic soap for my HS and a few other ventures. We hosted a Halloween get together with some friends and family to do some costumes and horror photography. It was a success, even though I was in horrible pain for days afterward, i was determined to keep my mind on projects once I was able to function at my "new normal".

I realize my situation isn't like everyone else who suffers with chronic pain. We each have our own story and what we can bear on a daily basis. Becoming an artist is the best remedy I have found...for me. I need to feel that sense of accomplishment. Most of the art I do can be resumed after any amount of time I am down. I have something to look forward to because there is no deadline. There were many times I tried to do things with appointments and that just didn't work for me. I never know when a "flare" will raise it's ugly head and refuse to release me. The stress of completing on a time table added to my already weary mindset and body. I sell my work when I complete it and am able to create what is in my own head.

I feel good about myself when I have finished an art piece. I know I stuck it out and made it another day without giving up. I continue to live, maybe not the life I thought I would have, but I find myself actually happy sometimes. It took a long time to get there, but it was worth the work to find me again. I now refer to myself as Horror Artist, not someone with chronic pain.